Another bad day. Why am I not surprised. I slept pretty much all day. Finally got up around 7 pm and decided to watch one of my favorite Christmas movies to try to bring me out of this funk. Unfortunately, Eloise's shenanigans weren't able to do it. I just ended up crying instead. It's what I'm doing right now. Crying. And I have no idea why. I'm just feeling so alone, so lost, so worthless and useless. I'm 42 and what's the point in my life? To just sleep the days away? Get up, take meds, go back to sleep, get up take meds, go back to bed? It just makes me feel so useless. *Sigh* I just don't know.

Baby B did come by and visit for a little bit while I was watching Eloise. She discovered the toy vanity and spent some time checking herself out in the mirror and "brushing" her hair. She's 2 so when she tries to brush her hair, she usually just makes it a mess of sorts. 

Ahh, my first post. Maybe my last post. Who knows. I'm currently struggling right now. With everything. I'm not saying I'd hurt myself, but I'm in the deep end of my depression pool right now. Just too much going on.
~tired of hurting all the time and not feeling good. They put me on methotrexate to help with the PA and it just makes me feel horrible. Tired of feeling nauseated and passing out when I'm not sleeping the day away.
~I miss my friend. I had a good friend who I could talk to about anything but he wasn't as good of a friend as I thought he was so had to put an end to that. I don't need the toxicity and in the long run I know it's best for me, but I still miss him, miss being able to send a text or message or make a call and talk about anything. With all the health issues I have, I don't get out too much, so meeting new people isn't easy.
~I'm so stressed about finances. Thanksgiving and Christmas are coming up and I can't afford to do much of anything. We won't be doing a meal for Thanksgiving. Won't be doing a tree, gifts, or a meal for Christmas. I don't even know if I'll bother decorating. If you know me, you'd be shocked to hear me say that because I love Christmas! But, since I can barely pay the basic bills, I can't really spend money on non-necessities. I'm already dealing with feeling down, and I know presents aren't important, but it still makes me feel bad that I can't do anything for my family.
~I just hate being me right now. Existing is so exhausting - both physically and mentally. And I hate saying that because I feel like I'm letting everyone down.